I was in the strange place between dreams. I had a sensation of floating, and my mind was at peace.
The
dream I had of riding the Long Island Railroad with Gloria Steinem was
finishing, and I was in a Rain Forest where I could hear the sounds of
wild creatures getting closer and closer.
“Mommy. Mom. Mom. Mommy.”
“Mommy. Ma. Ma. Ma. Ma.”
The animals were getting restless, and I could hear them right on top of me.
“Mommy. Mommy. Can I get a hug?”
My mind now realizes that this is not a bird that is attacking me, it’s my seven-year-old, Peter.
“Mommy I want to drive your car. Can I?”
“Sure, honey. That would be fine.”
“Yea. I can drive the car!”
“Tom, mommy said I can drive the car!”
“Mom. Do you know you just told Peter he could drive the car?”
Now my thirteen year old, Tom, was over my bed looking at me like I had finally flipped.
“Did I?” I reply, still very tired.
Now Tom is starting to laugh hysterically.
“Yes, mom you did. He thinks he really is going to drive a car.”
“Hey, Peter the Pest, you can’t really drive a car. You are only 7!”
“I’m not 7, I’m 17.”
“Tom, don’t call your brother a pest... and Peter... you are 7.” I croak this out as I start to once again drift off to sleep.
“Mom,
you are going to buy me a sports car. And, you are making my allowance
a thousand dollars a week.” That snaps me out of my coma.
“Very funny” I reply.
Now we are all laughing.
Lizzy, our ten-year-old, climbs in the bed with me and gives me a snuggle and a kiss.
Where is Daddy? I say as I start to regain my mom composure.
“He went to get Dunkin’ Donuts,” says, Tom.
“OK everyone, let’s finish the Father’s Day card I made for him.”
I get out of bed and get the big piece of card stock I hid behind the breakfront in the dining room.
I
was pretty impressed how well I wrote everything out, given that I
started the card at 2:00 in the morning when I woke up in a panic and
realized I had nothing for my husband for Father’s Day.
Ever
since I began the massive project of putting together an online
magazine with my partner Val, I have been going crazy juggling work,
motherhood, and keeping up with the general housekeeping.
As
soon as people learn of my new venture, the first thing they ask is how
I’m managing my role as full time mom with starting a new career as
co-editor and co-founder of a business.
The answer is, not very well.
I
hate to admit it, but there have been more than a few times where I
find myself telling the kids, “Hold on mommy is building her media
empire,” as they wonder when dinner is going to be served.
Or
times I hold Peter, play with Lizzy’s hair as I type a sentence, or
listen to Tom tell me the latest adventure in middle school as I read
over an e-mail.
We
laugh and joke about it, but each day closer we get to the magazine
launching, the more I find myself in the same predicament that my mom,
sister, and every other woman who tries to balance work and family is
in. The pull of wanting to be there for your family and the pull of
wanting to be there for your work.
It’s
a new feeling and one I’m not entirely comfortable with. After all, I
chose to be home partly because I remember how it felt to share my
mother with her career--I didn’t like it.
So
I find myself in uncharted territory. How do I continue to pursue
something I love while keeping my family my main priority?
I
don’t think there is an easy answer for me. It’s going to be one of
those day-to-day things. I’m sure there will be days when I feel like
I’ve given much more to the magazine and days when I will wonder how I’m
going to do it all.
For
today, the Father’s Day card got finished, the kids gave Joe the
presents they made in school, and we had a fun day with my
father-in-law. The kids know they are loved and important, and I am
looking forward to the day I can hire a cleaning person.
We will get through this time, maybe not perfectly, but we will survive. Plus, I get extra material to write about each week.
I
want to thank everyone for the wonderful support and good wishes I
received after making my big announcement. I was deeply touched by all
of you that signed up to receive Bonbon Break’s newsletter. Only one
month away now! I’ll continue to keep you posted. And, for those that
would like to sign up, go to bonbonbreak.com. There’s not much there,
but it’s easy to sign up for our newsletter so you will receive our
first issue on July 16. Thanks again.
.
